by Rev. Allan
Oh, what a difference a word makes. Elizabeth Barrett Browning, the 19th century English poet, transports us to her sense of ecstasy with the opening line of her famous poem, “How do I love thee; let me count the ways.”
However, when we change one word and say, ”How do I love me” we are more likely transported to a sense of, “ Uh, I don’t want to go there.”
Clearly it is easier, and probably feels more appropriate, to love another than to love one’s self. Yet, not only are we taught by scholars, philosophers, and prophets to love ourselves, but common sense tells us that we cannot offer to another what we ourselves don’t have.
Why is it so challenging then, not only to love one’s self, but to even want to do so? A major contributor to the difficulty may be a source that appears to encourage self love, but, at the same time may confuse the issue. We live in a society highly influenced by the Judeo-Christian code. It doesn’t matter what our individual beliefs may be, this code permeates and surrounds the essence of our lives.
One of the great commandments is, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” It would appear that there is an assumption that we already love ourselves. Otherwise, wouldn’t the commandment say, “Love thy neighbor and thyself?” But the commandment is, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
According to scripture, an assumption of self-love could be well grounded. The teaching is that we are loved unconditionally by God, and we are made in the image of God. Therefore the assumption that self love is part of the human condition could have validity. However, is that assumption supported by another core Christian teaching that suggests we were each born into, and bear, ‘original sin.’
Without commenting on the validity of these teachings, I would say that real life experience suggests that an assumption of self love, may be seriously off base. What we appear to have right now is a world in which we are loving our neighbors as ourselves–poorly.
What feelings are we actually experiencing toward ourselves in our every day lives and, how do I love me? Let us examine the ways.
The Buddha said, you can search the entire universe for someone more deserving of your love than you are yourself, but that person cannot be found anywhere. You, yourself, more than anybody in the universe, deserve your own love.
While a great deal of the Wisdom Teaching from the East has been widely accepted here in the West, that particular teaching has not taken root. While we may allow ourselves to feel good about something we’ve accomplished, or have a sense of being a good person, very few of us embrace ourselves lovingly.
How could someone as wise as the Buddha expect us to love ourselves? For one thing, the Buddha taught only about the existence of suffering and the end of suffering. Surely learning to replace constant self criticism and harsh judgment with kind and loving thoughts directed toward one’s self would help to alleviate suffering.
How about just plain common sense–feeling bad about yourself doesn’t feel good. Besides, if you really want to feel bad about yourself there are always those who are ready to help you do so. There was a fellow who had been feeling down for a long time and he finally decided to see a therapist. He spoke for some time about his feelings with the therapist asking a few questions as he went along. Finally the man asked what the therapist thought was wrong with him. The therapist said, “I think it’s a matter of low self-esteem.” “Oh” said the man, “Is that serious?” The therapist said, “No. It’s very common among losers.”
Loving yourself does not mean you have to believe you are the greatest person who ever lived. Loving yourself is compatible with humility. Loving yourself allows room to forgive yourself and to know that you will do better next time.
A well balanced self image and healthy ego are not constants. They are as subject to the law of impermanence as anything else. Offering kind and loving thoughts to ourselves needs to be an ongoing process.
We live in a society that thrives by convincing us that we are not good enough as we are. Be thinner, be trimmer, be taller, be faster, smell better, taste better, look better. You need this product to be happy. Buy what you want and enjoy it. But don’t buy a product, or an idea because it will make you more worthy of your own love. That product or idea does not exist.
Scholars, philosophers, prophets, and poets have attempted to define ‘love’ and have come to the conclusion that it is not describable in words. So what does a warm, loving sensation feel like?
Look at the pictures above and take note of your feelings.
Maintain those loving feelings for a moment and see yourself.
The American author, Walt Whitman, wrote, “I am larger and better than I thought; I did not think I held so much goodness.” You are so much better than you think. You can’t even imagine all the goodness within you.
